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This is my face, covered in freckles

with the occasional spot and some veins




January 13th, 2015

A Letter To My Ex

Remember when we were in love? Remember when everything about me was perfect, and the flaws were ignored? How about the late night laughs, the goofiness that powered us. The way people knew we were in love by how we touched or talked or stood so close.

I'm not really certain how those things always leave. But they always do. They move on to different people. Those same feelings you felt so strongly for one person, slowly, without your knowledge, fade and then transfer on to someone new. Soon they are now that thing that motivates you to get up in the morning. The thing that makes it ok to stay up until 3am talking and giggling.

But where does that leave me? Where does it leave anyone who is in the aftermath of a breakup? I don't know how to handle too much emotion anymore.

I've always fallen in love too fast. I never got much affection when I was younger, and when I started getting it from boys, I craved it. Not even in a sexual sense. If a boy thought I was funny, if he liked my shoes, if he was around long enough...I'd find myself falling for him. In my adult years I still crave affection. I could lay in bed all day with someone stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, talking. As soon as it was over, because every day life has to interject at some point, I'm left wondering if I did something wrong.

I'm in a constant state of wondering if I've done something wrong.

Maybe I shouldn't have sent that text. Did I call too late? Did I laugh too loud? Do your friends even like me? No one wants to listen to this story I should just stop talking while I'm ahead.

I consistently feel mentally fucked.

I don't know how I lose things. How do I lose people that at one time cared so much about me? Do I hold on too tight? Do I not hold on enough? Do they just lose interest? That last option is the hardest to swallow. I don't know how to fix that one.

How do I keep going on and loving when I feel inevitably it's going to fade?

I know what I should do. I know the answer is to love myself, to be confident, to surround myself with people who care. I know that's what needs to be done. But I don't know how.

I find myself falling in and out of love with myself just as much as others do. I find myself annoying sometimes, sometimes I hear my laugh come out a little too loud, sometimes I lose interest in my own stories half way through.

I'm not sure what that thing was to make you know that it was over. I'm sure you'd say it was part me and part you. But I'm always losing people.

I fall in love. I fall in love completely and all I want is to be with and for that person, and I know part of that is being for myself, too. But I'm not fully able to be myself unless I can share my love and care. I feel best when I am able to make others happy. Now I'm caught second guessing and wondering what I will do to mess up any current relationship. Should I stop it before it even starts? Do I let go? Do I let myself fall for someone else, again? My track record isn't promising.

But the beginning of it all, god, those first few months. Why can't those stay forever. But now even the beginning leaves me filled with worry. Is there someone better for him? Is the person he's going to be with next in this room? How do I compete with all of these other people?

I know I am worthy of love and a long lasting relationship. I have a lot to offer. I'm sweet, I'm usually kind of funny, I'm artistic and creative, I love so many things I can't even begin to count. I love my child-like outlook on the world, I think that is my favorite quality. I can forget all of the adult important shit and enjoy the tiniest of things.

I went outside yesterday and caught snowflakes in my mouth for who knows or cares how long. I was happy.

Just, please...care for the person you're with. If you're falling out of love don't just let it happen. Don't let it just fade, fight for it. There is a person on the other end of it. A person who feels it fading too but doesn't know what to do about it. I want to be in love again, and I know it will come, and I hope it doesn't come with as much fear as I'm feeling now.

I want to feel whole again.

September 9th, 2009

(no subject)

School has been driving me nuts. Not even the stupid drama that's going on between people I don't even care about that, it's just how everyone treats the animals. It's crazy to me how I go to Vet Tech school with people who are supposed to love and care about animals, yet they don't. We have around 30 dogs, the same number of cats about 7 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs some rats and some mice. That isn't that many animals where it's overwhelming to be able to take care of them, people just don't want to. At the beginning of the term you can sign up to be an animals trainer, everyone always signs up for the dogs, most of the cats, but no one ever for the pocket pets. But around 2 weeks into the term people stop letting their dogs/cats out because they get tired of it. So these guys only get out twice a day during kennel where people are always complainging about how riled up and hyper they are, well what do you expect? So I went in the rabbit room today and I have a new bunny friend in there named Rexie who is super sweet. I took her out of her cage for a little, and not only are her nails so overgrown she can barely walk, but the bottoms of her back feet have sores on them because the cleaner we use to spray down all the animals cages needs to be washed off well or it could leave chemical burns. So I told one of the  instructors about it and she came to look at it. Then i told some classmates about it and they said some dogs had them too because people weren't properly rinsing the cages. Also, I have only trained one dog every term, but some how I end up giving water and picking up the poop of about 5 other dogs every time I go in to get mine. I've seen numerous people put their dogs back in the cage with visible poop and their water bowl turned over. Seriously? These dogs depend on us for water, there is barely any circulation back there and this is the dog YOU signed up for because you think they're oh-so-cute, now take responsibility for that animal. Not to mention that the dogs are laying on metal grates covered in hard plastic all the time, so we're supposed to give them blankets. The only dogs that don't get blankets are the ones that ALWAYS poop in their cage, or eat the blanket. It says clearly on the board who does these things so we can be aware. For some reason though, only about 3 dogs ever have blankets. The rest are huddled in the corner trying to get comfortable, and when you do bring them a blanket it's like you just gave them the biggest bone in the world. That's all these guys want; some attention, a comfortable place to sleep without sitting next to their poop all night and some water.

I want to talk to the kennel supervisor and suggest that basic grooming be a part of the trainers responsibility. Or  that every first Monday of the month or something people can help out after school bathing, trimming nails etc. I'm sure someone has tried the latter option but I bet no one ever showed up. The dog I train now, Cici, had dirt crusted in between her legs that must have been there for months at least, and all it took was a simple bath to get rid of most of it.

I think all of this bothers me so much because we're supposed to be the people who love animals so much we want to make a career out of it. So if this is how OUR animals are I don't even want to think about how people treat their animals when they don't 'love' them.

August 23rd, 2009

(no subject)

I'm still alive.

June 7th, 2009

(no subject)

I'm just full of thoughts and stress and everything lately. I have no time to stop and breathe. Luckily, next week is my summer break ( A WHOLE WEEK...) and my parents are coming out to visit me for it so that will be fun I miss them a lot.

April 18th, 2009

(no subject)

So, said dog I am training in my last entry is going to be mine. I'm adopting her, but first she is going to be fostered by a girl in my class until I moved. 

Isn't she cute? Don't mind that I'm in my ugly scrubs..in the middle of the school parking lot. She's crazy hyper like me so I think we'll get along wonderfully. Everyone says she's dog aggressive but I've been working with her on it and she's gotten a lot better.

Finals are next week and I just can't wait for it to be over. All I do is school stuff, I get up at 6-6:30 and don't get home until around 3-3:30 and then I come home, eat and cram for the next test. I don't know what I'm doing for spring break but it better be awesome. Today I'm supposed to go fly kites with a girl from school. I told her I had never flown a kite before and she looked at me like my head had just fallen off. In Psychology I gave a speech about the positive effects of smoking cigarettes and everyone loved it because over half the class smokes. It was a pretty funny paper, and everyone elses was soooo depressing.

Most importantly, it's going to be 71 degrees out today, and that makes me very happy.

March 18th, 2009

(no subject)

I have an A in all of my classes right now, which hasn't happened since I was like, 8 so I'm pretty pumped about that, I have no job but that's good because I don't want one, I'm making some really good friends and I get to train a dog named Ice who is just wonderful. Life is good right now.

February 28th, 2009

Drive For Life

Today I have 12 dollars of gas gone, dog slobber on my window, dog hair all over my backseat and a 3 hour drive under my belt. I drove a dog named Willow from Gary, IN to Waukegan, IL. She's headed to a German Shepherd rescue. It was really rewarding to drive for her. What happens is, one person drives the dog about an hour give or take, and sets up a meeting spot to drop off the dog, then that person drives the dog another hour or so until the next persons spot, it's a relay. I had the second to last leg, so I drive to Gary, IN and I got there a little early so I was expecting to wait but they parked right next to me and out popped willow. She was really pretty, a little skinny and veryyy shy. We tried to have her go the the bathroom outside but she was just too scared, so we loaded her into my car. She jumped right in and sat in the drivers seat looking at us like, "Well, are you ready!?" It took a bit of pulling to get her into the back, but I had a sleeping bag back there so it was comfy for her. I talked to her a lot of the way but then she layed down and fell asleep and if I said anything she would perk up. It was an easy drive all on 90/94 mostly and luckily not much traffic. We pulled up to a stop light and she was staring out the window at another car and the guy looking at her had this huge smile on his face and it just made me feel really good, because he had no idea what I was doing, but this dog made him smile. When I got to the meeting place for the next person to come pick her up I was early too, so I ran inside McDonalds to use the bathroom and when I came back out she was just staring at the last place she saw me, so I get back in the car and she licks me and lets me pet her which made me really happy because she was so scared when I picked her up. The next people show up and I let her out and they asked me to put a different leash on her because she was too scared of them. I'm really glad I did it and I'm sure Willow will get a good home since she warmed up to me in about an hour. I'd definitely do it again in the future. annnd, pictures!

She was reallyyyy tireed.

February 20th, 2009

(no subject)


School starts in 11 days and I'm going crazy doing nothing. I finally cleaned the apartment today and opened the blinds all the way. It's funny what some sunlight shining in your room will do for you. The blinds have been closed since winter started and I never really left the house until it was time for work, and by that time it was already dark out. I felt like I was in hibernation. I'm finally starting to wake up from those months of sleep. Called about the new job and got another number to call but I haven't yet because I don't know what to say. I guess I'll just suck it up at DSW because I get a good discount: Filenes Basement and a furniture store along with DSW. And I'm really going to need that 20% off when I move and don't have any furniture.

Sadly, nothing else to report but once school starts I'm going to try and update every day just so I can remember things better

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Also, I like how it detects my location differently every time I update from my Itouch, even though I'm in the exact same spot

February 11th, 2009

Slap a da bass mannn


So, tonight I went to a free screening of "I Love You, Man" and it was a really funny movie and I recommend you all see it when it comes out but that wasn't the cool part of the night. I met this really nice older lady named Jackie and she was just one of those people you'll never forget. We started talking about college and things like that and she asked if I had a job, I said I did but I hated it and so she gave me her card and basically said if I wanted a job it was mine. It's working for her company setting up meetings for other big companies but hey, it's not retail. Her son works in Hollywood in sound and told zach that if he ever decides to move out west she has an in for him. It was a lot more then her offering us jobs though, she was really nice to talk to and I'm not really sure what it is about her but she really made my night. We talked about me being a vegetarian and animals and she said that me and zach looked good together and talked to us about getting married and having kids haha she could tell that made us pretty uncomfortable. I wanted to come home and write about why I liked her so much but I can't really figure out what to say. She kept saying how it was fate that we sat next to her and said that we were good people and she could tell, and that's just really nice to hear from a stranger. So I'm going to call her in a couple of days and see how it goes.

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February 7th, 2009



So I'm updating from my itouch while I'm in the living room a whole 15 feet from my computer but I'm ok with that. I'm really thinking about quitting my job because I'm still getting paid less than everyone. It's so frustrating I don't think I work any less hard then everyone else, in fact I'm pretty sure I work harder than everyone else. It's not like my manager doesn't know and I just don't know what else I can say. It's been over a month since I first approached him about it and every time he sees me he always says that he remembers and he just has to do it. So I don't want to push it, it's just really not fair. In better news, I'm getting my haircut on Tuesday and I think I'm going to do a funky sort of asymmetricial kind of thing. Since I can't dye my hair bright pink like I want to because of work, I'll just cut it the way I want. Also, I have orientation for school coming up and I am super excited for that. I just want to start already I'm getting so restless. Cool I'm done for now I just wanted to test out typing on here, and of course right when I'm done I realize I can turn it sideways and it'll be easier to type. I'm so dumb.

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