I'm not really certain how those things always leave. But they always do. They move on to different people. Those same feelings you felt so strongly for one person, slowly, without your knowledge, fade and then transfer on to someone new. Soon they are now that thing that motivates you to get up in the morning. The thing that makes it ok to stay up until 3am talking and giggling.
But where does that leave me? Where does it leave anyone who is in the aftermath of a breakup? I don't know how to handle too much emotion anymore.
I've always fallen in love too fast. I never got much affection when I was younger, and when I started getting it from boys, I craved it. Not even in a sexual sense. If a boy thought I was funny, if he liked my shoes, if he was around long enough...I'd find myself falling for him. In my adult years I still crave affection. I could lay in bed all day with someone stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, talking. As soon as it was over, because every day life has to interject at some point, I'm left wondering if I did something wrong.
I'm in a constant state of wondering if I've done something wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't have sent that text. Did I call too late? Did I laugh too loud? Do your friends even like me? No one wants to listen to this story I should just stop talking while I'm ahead.
I consistently feel mentally fucked.
I don't know how I lose things. How do I lose people that at one time cared so much about me? Do I hold on too tight? Do I not hold on enough? Do they just lose interest? That last option is the hardest to swallow. I don't know how to fix that one.
How do I keep going on and loving when I feel inevitably it's going to fade?
I know what I should do. I know the answer is to love myself, to be confident, to surround myself with people who care. I know that's what needs to be done. But I don't know how.
I find myself falling in and out of love with myself just as much as others do. I find myself annoying sometimes, sometimes I hear my laugh come out a little too loud, sometimes I lose interest in my own stories half way through.
I'm not sure what that thing was to make you know that it was over. I'm sure you'd say it was part me and part you. But I'm always losing people.
I fall in love. I fall in love completely and all I want is to be with and for that person, and I know part of that is being for myself, too. But I'm not fully able to be myself unless I can share my love and care. I feel best when I am able to make others happy. Now I'm caught second guessing and wondering what I will do to mess up any current relationship. Should I stop it before it even starts? Do I let go? Do I let myself fall for someone else, again? My track record isn't promising.
But the beginning of it all, god, those first few months. Why can't those stay forever. But now even the beginning leaves me filled with worry. Is there someone better for him? Is the person he's going to be with next in this room? How do I compete with all of these other people?
I know I am worthy of love and a long lasting relationship. I have a lot to offer. I'm sweet, I'm usually kind of funny, I'm artistic and creative, I love so many things I can't even begin to count. I love my child-like outlook on the world, I think that is my favorite quality. I can forget all of the adult important shit and enjoy the tiniest of things.
I went outside yesterday and caught snowflakes in my mouth for who knows or cares how long. I was happy.
Just, please...care for the person you're with. If you're falling out of love don't just let it happen. Don't let it just fade, fight for it. There is a person on the other end of it. A person who feels it fading too but doesn't know what to do about it. I want to be in love again, and I know it will come, and I hope it doesn't come with as much fear as I'm feeling now.
I want to feel whole again.